In the past few days, I have had this feeling at the bottom of my stomach; you know, anxiety. It’s been a while since I felt it. Not since I began my Reiki experience, I am sure. What’s happening? I ask myself. I search for the obvious causes of this fear. I can’t find them. Life, my life, has been both the same as usual and yet radically transformed. I know that. I know that because I have just gone through a kind of a loss; a loss of something that wasn’t quite there; but I held onto it; I held tight to that possibility because, I think, I was counting on it to change my life. It would have changed my life and yet I know my life has already changed so much. I lost that possibility. The anxiety came back. That fear of something that is not quite there came back when I lost something that wasn’t quite here because I hoped it, that which wasn’t yet would change my life.  This is what I mean by living a double life. You have already gone through the transformation. You have already crossed the bridge. You are all the way there. Still you are not  sure. So you hold on to something that will make it real; something that lies outside of you, of your mind. When that thing fails to become the fear returns; the fear from that other life, the one you had left behind, or so you thought.

Have you ever felt like you live this kind of double life? If you have, you know what I mean; and if you haven’t, you will recognize it when the feeling hits you. Either way, trust me. You have already left that other life behind; that fear is not longer you; Do you know why I know it? Intuition. I know because my whole being tells me that that fear is out of place. I know because I waited; I waited until the loss run its course; until I finished feeling the pain; until the pain became part of me. It became part of me, the pain of that loss became part of me; it did not destroy me; it did not make me stop. I did fall back into bad habits: anxiety loves vices (smokes in my case). That was all. My whole being lives another life, my renewed life. The one that came back to haunt me; that one will never go away but it will never take me over either.

Have you ever felt like you are living this kind of double life?

If you have, welcome to healing!!